For the first time in over 4 years, I made the decision last week that I wanted to expose myself to my weight on the scale. Now that’s not to say over the course of these 4 years that I’ve never seen or heard my weight or comments about my weight (mostly from doctors and nurses, even when I requested to turn around while being weighed or not see the number). But I decided that I wanted to take back some control of when I choose to know that number on the scale and how I let that number effect me.
Weight exposure definitely is not a necessity when recovering from an eating disorder, but I decided that for me, it was one more big thing that I needed to “accomplish”. To be able to see that number, and freak out at first if I needed to, but to process this in a safe environment with my treatment team. We collectively made the decision to have weekly weigh-ins until I graduate in August to expose me to and desensitize myself to that ever changing number.
I’m not going to say it was easy, because it definitely was one of the most difficult decisions I’ve made in my recovery. I thoroughly examined the pros and cons of seeing my weight before making my decision with my treatment team. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a mini freak out/panic when I first saw that number. But I can honestly say that I didn’t ruminate on that number after leaving weigh-in. I didn’t let it affect my eating for the rest of the day or week.
There are so many more important things about me than a silly number on a scale. I am about to graduate with my Master’s degree (😱). I am a girlfriend with an amazingly supportive boyfriend. I am a helper, a child, and a friend.
I am getting stronger every day and can honestly say that recovery is possible, it’s possible to eat intuitively without guilt, exercise to make your body feel good (not to burn a certain number of calories or lose weight), and not be phased by that silly number on the scale. #screwthescale 🥊